Sunday, 29 March 2015

A question of identity

On the day of the eclipse I opened an online account with a fictitious identity. I was pretty nervous doing it at the time. There was something in the back of my mind reminding me that over the past six months in Spain I have been trying to sew myself back together and become more whole and this latest course of action was seriously threatening the progress I had made. It made me feel more fractured. I considered the possibility that I might suddenly be feeling so confident with my persona that I was able to generate new virtual beings of myself. Obviously I soon realised that if I was that confident I'd own that facet of my identity and wear it like a badge of honour. 

My poppy red Dr. Martens on Brighton beach - my identity between 19 and 25 years of age.
Even before the eclipse, I'd started to question who I am as a person. When I moved to Spain I was still a fast paced, maniac with a broken heart and a fried head. Now, I am possibly more of a loon, just as broken, but less fried. Since being here I have regressed. Living with one's parents can make that happen, and so I feel like I have suddenly found an old version Jess. She's about five, pretty lonely, terribly shy and a big dreamer. I've not experienced this Jess since I lost my virginity (after that I became a bit bolshy). Like finding a lost teddy bear, it's comforting to have the five year old back.

So, after accepting this fact, which was pretty hard at first, as I saw it as a massive backwards step in my development, I began to think about what I wanted when I was a child. I remember I wanted to meet Queen Elizabeth I, see the dinosaurs (I would have made a great time lord) and visit heaven on a cheap day return ticket just to see what it was like up there. On a more serious note I did want to paint flowers, so, at least I have managed to integrate that into my older self.  I also wanted to improve the world and make it a gentler place... this one is going to take some time and even more love, but I am working on it. 

So after designing a series of logos and reading up on brands for this exhibition, I have begun to think more about my identity in definitive terms and have been busy translating my thoughts onto paper visually. There are of course many different facets and am representing each of these with slogans.

Here's the first. I am still working on it (need a gold pen and the shop is shut on a Sunday), but you get the general idea:


  1. Replies
    1. Did you mean take note of spelling mistake when you posted this?!

  2. Why Ikny Leaves Jess? Play on letters?
    Our daughter came home to live with us for a few years before she married ... I think it was a wonderful opportunity for her to rewrite her history and plan a future the way she had seen and dreamt for herself as a child ... and that has certainly happened.
    Sometimes we need to go back to square one to find our true north x

    1. Thanks Vicki - I have only just seen the spelling mistake! ARGH! What a complete tit. If only it was a clever play on words. Total bummer. Well, it was only a draft.

      That's a beautiful story about Lauren Vicki. It was such a magical wedding. It's good to touch base - you're right. Let's see how it evolves. Exciting!

    2. Perhaps it wasn't a 'mistake', I think perhaps it reflects how you were disconnected from an identity. Interesting, I think it's good that we go through these personal shifts otherwise we'd be the same our whole lives. Change is good!

  3. Jess, a heartfelt post and a beautiful painting. Life is certainly full of twists and surprises. I've had a few myself (I'll email you soon), but they usually turn out okay in the end. Anyway, I salute you, fellow loon. I hope you get your gold pen soon... we all need a bit of sparkle.

    1. Thanks for your kind words Shevaun - do email me, it's been ages and you've made me ponder on what's happening your end of the Eurasian plate. Still haven't got that gold pen, I hope the shop is open tonight, but who knows. It's a bit random like that in Spain!